What is with all these ‘Get Winter-Ready’ gym programmes? They seem to breeze over the realities of surviving in the mountains.
Have no fear, we have all the answers.
Your body is adaptable to change – so trust it – and don’t waste your time or money on going to the Gym to get yourself “Winter ready”. Save your money for TK Max’s finest winter collection.
There are far more important things to worry about which, if you ignore them, will make you look like a right tit when you’re in resort. So let’s get started.
1. GO OUT AND DRINK EXCESSIVELY
No matter how excellent you are at drinking inhumane amounts of alcohol, altitude will affect you. When you’re in the mountains it’s a well known fact that it’s easy to out-do yourself when it comes to boozing. No one likes a flaker, so hit the bars and order a poisonous concoction of shots, cocktails, ales and lagers and be sure wash it all down with a nice cold half-pint of Jaeger.
2. UPDATE YOUR TINDER PROFILE
Mountain folk are very picky. They like people who fit the profile of “rad mountain people”. If you want to hook up with someone in the Alps you’re going to have to make sure you fit in. Here’s a standard tinder bio, which will work for girls and boys:
“Here for the Winter. All I care about is Jaegerbombs, shredding and more jaegerbombs. If you can’t offer me any of that then just fuck off.”
Your Photos need to be updated too – if you’re one of the legendary multi-season veterans, go back to last year’s photo album and collect your best shots. If not, put a flat cap on and get posing. Photoshop is also pretty useful if you’re really desperate.
3. FACEBOOK STALK PEOLPE YOU’RE GOING TO WORK WITH
These people will become your family, and if you’ve done seasons before you might be able help any newbies out with what to expect. This will also make the first few days in resort easier as you will have cyber-met most of the people you’re training with. Ice, broken.
Oh, and then there’s that other reason…
4. PUT ALL YOUR GEAR ON AND PRETEND TO SEND IT IN THE MIRROR
We all do it. Thermals and all.
Get all that fresh new gear on, drop the shoulders, wind it up and POP!
When you arrive in the mountains, you’ll be too excited and too busy to remember to wax. There is nothing worse than frantically rushing to get on the snow and then knuckling every single kicker because your board or skis have grown hair over the summer. Just do it, and if you’re not sure how, Fred knows.
6. LEARN THE LANGUAGE
No, we don’t mean French, Austrian, Italian or Klingon.
“Yozzers” “Stoked!” “Yo!”
“Did you land it?”
That should get you through the first month.
7. WATCH THE LATEST SKI/BOARD MOVIES
If you’re one of the lucky ones heading to the mountains on a crowded bus, filled with smuggled alcohol and bad intentions, then you’d better know your shit when it comes to the latest and greatest snow trends. Try to find all the edits, which arose from your chosen resort in previous seasons. It will make you look cooler if you start showing other people edits they’ve never even heard of.
8. DOWNLOAD SHREDITS APP
You may already know this, but Shredits is re-launching this December.Download the App now and be the first to use the all the brand new features when we release the new version.
Until then, enjoy swiping fellow Shredders!
Do you have any pre-season rituals, which we missed? Tell us about them!
We hope you all have a sick winter – we’re so stoked to get on the snow again!